Castle of Indolence

Favourite extracts - 2

2007-07-05T21:59:00.000-07:00

Marcus Berkmann in Rain men: madness of cricket explains the lure of cricket far better than I ever will:

A four-year-old walked in and asked me what I was doing. I was watching the cricket, I explained.
'Why?'
'Because I like it.'
'Why?'

Precocious little bastard. A moment later my then girlfriend walked in. 'Yes, why do you like cricket?' she said, scenting blood. 'I think its boring,' said the repellant infant. 'So do I,' said my soon-to-be-ex-girlfriend. I was cornered. Why? why? why?

It's a question that rises time and again. Non-believers cannot allow themselves to fall under the spell of a mere game, an intrinsically silly one at that. Their sneers and contempt, not to mention their endless satirical use of the phrase "bowling a maiden over", can undermine the most robust of personalities. What they don't understand is that we know it's stupid, but England are 82 for 4, for Christ's sake. Which, needless to say, answers all their questions in full.

If really pushed for a response, I talk of cricket's grace, its physical bravery, its psychological and intellectual dimensions, its emotional resonances, of the confrontation between batsman and bowler, the endless possibilities, the unpredictable flux. After four hours' detailed advocacy, sometimes with the use of audio-visual aids and always with a complete description of the various grips a leg-spinner might use, I tiptoe out of the room before my unwitting audience wakes up.

Favourite extracts -1

2007-05-03T12:33:00.000-07:00

Misery is manifold. The wretchedness of earth is multiform. Overreaching the wide horizon as the rainbow, its hues are as various as the hues of that arch, --as distinct too, yet as intimately blended. Overreaching the wide horizon as the rainbow! How is it that from beauty I have derived a type of unloveliness? --from the covenant of peace a simile of sorrow? But as, in ethics, evil is a consequence of good, so, in fact, out of joy is sorrow born. Either the memory of past bliss is the anguish of to-day, or the agonies which are have their origin in the ecstasies which might have been.

From "Berenice", by Edgar Allan Poe.

Revenge is a dish best served cold

2007-04-30T00:55:00.000-07:00

One of the most repeated phrases regarding stock market prediction is that "nobody knows nothing".And as the World Cup widely predicted to be the 'most open ever' turned into the most lopsided one ever, the quote clearly applies to crystal-gazing in cricket as well. I'm placing the blame for these mismathces squarely on the shoulders of the Kiwis and England. The only way the rest of the world had a chance of beating the Aussies was through a combination of Aussie complacency and that wonderful concept "the law of averages". By beating the Kangaroos five times in a row in inconsequential tournaments, they were virtually handing the WC to the Aussies. If there's one thing more formidable than an Aussie team, it'a an Aussie team with a point to prove.

I think it's staggering that in 4 world Cups (nearly 40 matches), McGrath has needed to face only 5 balls. That's some serious domination we are talking about.

Btw, did the dark stripe along the sides of Australian uniform remind anyone else of Uma Thurman's Kill Bill outfit?

For me, the highlight of the world Cup was Ranjit Fernando's by-now-legendary commentary during the Eng-SL match. The situation: 4 runs to win, 1 ball to go. Dilhara bowling to Ravi Bopara. And dear Ranjit comes up with this "and he's in...oh it's gone for four! Bopara! (long pause) Oh he's bowled, he's bowled. (sound of Hussain laughing in background) I thought it got the bat and went for four. What a finish this has been. "

The restaurant tag

2007-04-30T00:13:00.000-07:00

I only subject you to this post as Adi, in a fit of ignorance, tagged me to write about 5 restaurants I like. Firstly, let me say that gastronomically, I ceased growing at the age of 5. I still prefer Bournvita to coffee ( the new 5-star Bournvita is revolting). And while George Orwell may expound on the joys of bitter,black tea, I prefer my chai to have large helpings of both milk and sugar. Sugar, in fact, makes up a large part of my diet. Idlis with sugar? Bring it on, I say. If I haven't fallen far enough in your estimation, let me add that I'm also an annoying holier-than-thou reformed vegetarian.

Having conclusively denied any claims to being the next Curnonsky, I shall now hold forth on the restaurant I despise the most. Despite Delhi offering an incomprehensible array of cuisines, ranging from the Antarctic to the sub-Saharan (seemingly), my parents favourite eat-out in Delhi remains that bastion of Tamil pride: Saravana Bhavan. Usually getting into an SB in Delhi would mean an interminable wait. Once in, this is a typical conversation between me and my parents:

Me (after perfunctory perusal of menu): I think I'll have (Item A)
Mom directs a reproachful glare at me.
Me (befuddled): What?
Mom: I can make far better (Item A) at home than is available here.
Me (rolling my eyes): Ok fine, I'll have (Item B) then.
Mom , who has never uttered any rebuke regarding my lengthy spell of unemployment, repeats reproachful glare. And goes on to wonder how, despite her excellent parenting, I've turned out like this. I then start frantically looking for an item of the menu which would appease my mom. The cycle usually continues till both my patience and appetite have vanished.

Death to all those who will not die...

2007-03-28T08:08:00.000-07:00

"Football is not a matter of life and death, it's much more important than that" - Bill Shankly.

Now that Woolmer's demise has disproved that famous statement (sort of), you'd think the media and the experts would be a little wary of casual allusions to death. But the two phrases most bandied about in the Indian media have been 'Do or Die' (prior to the SL game) and 'Perform or Perish' (as in 'Will Greg Chappell become a victim of his "perform or perish" mantra?'). Next up, Imran Khan pushed the insensitivity limits with his "I'm dying to know the reults of the Woolmer investigation" quote to BBC.

But, considering that Woolmer's death was caused by strangulation, the award for 'Most inappropriate figure of speech' has to go to John Wright. During the Bangladesh-Bermuda match, Bermuda were batting with a few down for next to nothing when John offers " Bangladesh really need to be ruthless here. They must not take their foots of the Bermudan throats".

Doesn't a rose by any other name..

2007-03-28T07:59:00.000-07:00

Marc Ostrofsky has been an idol of mine ever since he managed to convince someone to pay him $ 7.5 million in exchange for the 'business.com' domain name. While my hunt for a similar smartalec-y way to avoid the rat race has been fruitless, the closest thing to him I've seen in India is this chap who was renting out snow boots in Shimla.
It costs 50 bucks to hire a pair of boots from him for about a couple of hours. The bus I was travelling in had about 20 passengers in it and assuming a couple more tourist buses patronised him, he would have pocketed a cool three grand in a single day. Tax-free, minimal investment, virtually no work, high returns - is this a dream job or what? Of course, business wouldn't exactly be flourishing in the summer (perhaps he uses the summer to catch up on his reading).

Having said that, I better get me a job in the very, very immediate future as the parents have started very unsubtly asking me read articles titled 'How to be your own life coach' and suchlike.

Like a Rolling Stone

2007-03-28T07:35:00.000-07:00

One of the main reasons I haven't quit smoking yet (besides an absolute lack of willpower) is the Rolling Stones. If Keith Richards (impossible to think of him without a ciggy dangling from his lips) is capable of undertaking gruelling concert tours in his mid-sixties, I figure I shouldn't be worrying myself silly about lung cancer. Besides, despite being a decade older than my teetotalling, diet watching ,prefer-stairs-to-the-elevator dad, the Glimmer Twins are clearly in a far better shape than him.

I also think the Stones should stop churning out rubbish albums which no one listens to and reinvent themselves as legal aides to Big Tobbaco companies.In the normal course of events, when a nincompoop sues Big Tobacco because he (or she) didnt realise smoking two packs a day for thirty years would adversely affect his (or her) health, they get embroiled in a protacted legal wrangle and subsequently pay out millions to the nincompoop. Instead, at the next trial, they should present the Stones as (the hallowed) 'Exhibit 1A' and provide a brief history of the Stones' long dalliance with nicotine,alcohol and substance abuse and also show a video of their recent concert performances (to prove their robust state of health).I'm fairly certain that besides handing out a favourable verdict for Big Tobacco , the judge will also admonish the nincompoop for wasting the court's time with this frivolous case.

P.S: Check out Keith Richards at the Death Calculator.

Sore losers and the Oscars

2007-02-22T18:46:00.000-08:00

Everyone knows the importance of an Oscar. Once you win, you'll be introduced in all your future movies (irrespective of how brain dead and formulaic it is) in reverential tones as 'Oscar winner...'. And studios and actors indulge in an immense amount of jockeying to ensure victory. Heck, even Aamir 'I don't believe in awards' Khan and his boys spent a lot of effort lobbying for 'Lagaan'.

One of the most annoying parts of the Oscar ceremony (or any of the other nobody-cares-about award shows) is the ludicrous 'Gracious Loser Smile' which is pasted across the face of the losing nominees when their award is announced.For eg, Will Smith has been known to thrown tantrums over trivial matters, such as when regular water (as opposed to mineral water) is used while shooting rain scenes. Yet, when he turns out to be one of the also-rans at this weekend Academy awards, he'll be modesty personified and magnanimously letting the world know how the better actor won.

Which is why watching Faith Hill in this clip at the country Music awards was gratifying.

Something Happened!

2006-12-24T05:13:00.000-08:00

" I am bored with my work very often now. Everything routine that comes in I pass along to someone else. This makes my boredom worse. It's a real problem to decide whether it's boring to do something boring than to pass along everything boring that comes in to somebody else and then have nothing to do at all. "
-- Bob Slocum in 'Something Happened' by Joseph Heller (which I procured for the princely sum of twenty rupees at Daryaganj. I love the cover of this edition which has a humungous, unflappable exclamation mark staring out at us.)

Joseph Heller's second novel is a completely different from its famous predecessor and deals with the fears (paranoia?) of a corporate executive, Bob Slocum, who is unhappy despite 'having it all' (attractive wife, three kids, big house, fat salary, as many mistresses as he wants). The absurd black humour of Catch 22 is replaced by the torturous stream-of-consciousness commentary of the misanthropic Slocum. The book's tone is reminiscent of the movie 'American Beauty' and also the blog Anonymous Lawyer. (I know I know ..comparing 'literature' to a mere blog is sacrilegious. Nonetheless). Though I loved the book, it's not for everyone. It's pretty lengthy (around 600 pages) and the merciless (and persistent) cynicism of Slocum and the generally depressing atmosphere of the book isn't easy to stomach.

The book's blurb actually sums it up best : In Catch 22 he (Heller) satirized the horrors of war: In Something Happened he has attempted something more ambitious and difficult- satirizing the horrors of prosperity and peace.

Bee movie

2006-12-22T20:24:00.000-08:00

In case anyone is wondering what a certain Jerry Seinfeld is upto these days. Don't get too excited. It only releases in november 2007.

A quarter life crisis

2006-12-21T23:58:00.000-08:00

In the novel Twenty Something by Iain Hollingshead, Flatmate Fred says that a quarter-life crisis is twice as bad as a midlife crisis: "It's twenty years premature. No one gives you any sympathy and you're too young and insignificant to buy a sports car and run off with your secretary."

Sometimes I think the problem was getting a job too early during the placements. I'd have been a completely different person if, after graduation, I'd had to spend a few desperate months hunting for an organisation who thinks I'm employable. At least I'd banished illusory notions like job satisfaction and got on with the business of making some money.

Paheli

2006-12-19T02:51:00.000-08:00

Judging purely by its sport, film and book sections, I considered the Guardian Unlimited a superb newspaper which generally doesn't indulge in tabloid-style hyperbole. So when I came across an article in it describing Shah Rukh Khan as the world's biggest film star, I was reduced to uttering Kramer-esque sounds of exasperation. But then, I realised it could be an entirely valid claim, given that imbeciles are a dime a million (like the ex-colleague who loved watching Brazilian soccer team as he found a bottomless reservoir of mirth in the fact that every time they played the scoreboard on the topleft corner of the TV screen showed a name resembling a ladies undergarment).

But faith in the Guardian plummeted again when in another article he as referred to as Mumbai's version of Cary Grant. Yeah, I can SO imagine Cary Grant performing for money at weddings. Forget about turning in his grave, I'm amazed Grant has not embarked on a Beatrix Kiddo-inspired roaring rampage of revenge against the Guardian staff for comparing him to an over-rated, stammering 'ham'mer.

Disclaimer: Having said that, I thought SRK handled the interview rather well.

Derrida who?

2006-12-17T21:23:00.000-08:00

A few months ago, I waded through a documentary comic book called 'Postmodernism for beginners'. The idea being that reading it would enable me to casually slip the word 'Po mo' (snobspeak for 'postmodernism') in my conversations and leave the world marveling at my dazzling intellect. After a month's uphill battle, I completed the book. Unfortunately, I was none the wiser about postmodernism . This was partly because the authors themselves weren't particularly sure what it was, and partly because when confronted with dizzying concepts like 'deconstruction' and 'rejection of meta-narratives', my cerebrum gave in and flashed its equivalent of the blue screen of death. But it wasn't all in vain, as I at least came across some interesting art like John Cage's 4'33'' and Carl Andre's Bricks.

Apparently, this is a postmodern knock knock joke:

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Jacques Derrida
Jacques Derrida who?
Precisely

The Postmodernism Generator is a bit of sheer genius conjured up by critics of Pomo. It's randomly generates seemingly postmodern essays ('pomobabble') which are actually completely meaningless.

Whither loony bin?

2006-12-16T21:59:00.000-08:00

One Thursday, thousands of years ago, a Neanderthal ponders his limitations:

Lack of physical strength
Incapable of outrunning most predators and prey
Inability to smell a predator unless it's right under their nose. (at which time points 1 and 2 come into play causing their untimely death)
No night vision goggles (especially before Tom Hanks taught them the intricacies of starting a fire).
Nagging wives.

Considering the almost insurmountable odds they overcame to ensure humans reached the apex of the food chain and that we've cemented our place there for millenia, shouldn't all humans be leading idyllic Bertie Wooster-like Idle Rich lives (like I am.. ok at least i've managed the idle bit), instead of spending it being cooped up in cubicles of giant multinationals corporations feeling like the middle child in the family of a million ? (and spending weekends watching the latest mindless atrocity unleashed by bollywood). Seriously, evolution and opposable thumbs are over-rated. (Sorry: had to get that rant off my chest)

Douglas Adams says it best in H2G2 : "Many were increasingly of the opinion that they'd all made a big mistake in coming down from the trees in the first place. And some said that even the trees had been a bad move, and that no one should ever have left the oceans."

P.S: Faith in humanity has been a little restored by Wikipedia. It's staggering that people would volunteer to create such a massive store of knowledge (admittedly dodgy at times), and constantly safeguard it from vandals, with no tangible benefit or ulterior motive.

Hipster Doofus

2006-12-15T06:12:00.000-08:00

Doesn't the old man in the Airtel Songcatcher ad (with the 'Julie' song) look like an elderly version of Kramer? And trying to 'catch' a song playing in a stranger's car is just the sort of horseplay Kramer is liable to indulge in.

Ok, I know hardly anything is visible in the picture of the ad. I was just testing how to upload images and this was the first one I found related to the ad.

But this is sad. Another reminder for us to not mix up the character and the actor portraying the character.( I've always thought it strange that the person who plays one of the wackiest characters in television has a regular, boring name like Michael Richards.) If the 'Seinfeld Curse' didn't kill off Richards' career, this looks like it could. The only glimmer of hope for him is that Mel Gibson has bounced back to top the box office charts from a similar incident a few months ago. But then, Gibson was always an A list celebrity, something which he can't claim to be.

Total Perspective Vortex

2006-12-09T06:03:00.000-08:00

Over the past few years, we've gotten pretty comfortable with the notion that India has become an IT superpower. What with record profits being announced every quarter, booming salaries and Mr Tom Friedman tom-tomming the Flat World. Recently came across this, which puts the whole IT boom in perspective. Despite the employee headcounts of India's 'world class' software companies rapidly ballooning towards Indian Railways-esque levels, the entire revenues of India's IT/ITES sectors (as of March 2006) is roughly equal to the amount of money Americans spent on their pets for the year 2006. Frankly, I thought that was pretty hilarious.

One small step for man

2006-05-16T19:02:00.000-07:00

Recently, I received (for the gazillionth time) an email which seeks to prove that NASA's Apollo 11 mission to the moon was a hoax. Besides fulfilling President Kennedy's pledge to land a man on the moon by the end of the 60s and seizing the bragging rights in the Space Race from the Soviet Union, setting foot on the moon was a truly Momentous Occasion. And with a billion people listening in from home, it required a Quotable Quote to match the occasion - something which Armstrong would surely have thought about. Certainly, saying 'Look ma, I'm on TV' with a goofy grin plastered on his face just wouldn't do ,especially as the grin couldn't be seen through his space helmet unless it was a very low budget hoax.

Even if he did take his time to think up with an appropriate quote, there's no saying whether that it was good enough. Imagine the situation - our hero is back at the office after from his pioneering mission and is having a water cooler chat with his colleagues when someone says, " You know, you should have said,..." and gives him a far superior soundbyte. Again, it just wouldn't do. (Apparently , Michael Collins told him 'If you had any balls, you'd say "Oh, my God, what is that thing?" then scream and cut your mike'. )

I'm curious to know just how Armstrong/NASA came up with a truly memorable quote which, had it featured in a Hollywood space movie, would have featured rather prominently on any 'Greatest film quotes' list. Did NASA employ a bunch of maketing wizards or did they have a 'What would you say when you landed on the moon' contest amongst its employees? Or if Armstrong did think it up himself, did he have to get it okayed by NASA chiefs before he put on his spacesuit?

Another aspect of 'One small step for man, a giant leap for mankind' which interests me is that it makes no sense unless there's an 'a' before man. Being the irritating pedant that I am, this seems like concrete evidence the whole thing was not a hoax. Surely, if NASA had taken elaborate steps to recreate a lunar setting on earth, they'd undoubtedly taken the trouble to re-dub the soundtrack to insert the crucial 'a'. (And I haven't had the patience to go through the forwards which purport to be NASA's highly technical rejoinder to the points brought up in the 'Moon landing is a hoax' mail.)

And finally, read this to know an extremely wise man's take on the whole thing.

2005-11-06T13:46:00.000-08:00

Workplace Weirdos

It was a day like all other days. As I was strolling back to my cubicle ('workstation area' in officialese) from a coffee break, I was stopped by a distraught Esc (Extremely Stupid Colleague). He exclaimed, "What is going to happen man? " (with an anguished look on his face). I waited disinterestedly for him to continue. "In the year 10,000 A.D , the world will come to an end. There'll be no power, all bank transcations will be lost , defence systems will fail and nuclear reactors will be out of control." I was now all ears as I enjoy a first-rate doomsday conspiracy as much as the next guy and asked,"Where did you get that idea from?". Desolately he mumbled, " Because all computers store the year as a four digit number!!".

The sheer absurdity of his concerns rendered me speechless. I contemplated enlightening him about the rather more pressing year 2038 problem, but decided that that'd just be cruel. Finally, I managed to utter appropriate noises wondering whether his worries were a trifle premature. But, my feeble attempts at consolation were lost on the Esc as he staggered past me with a glazed, far-away look in his eyes and visions of the coming apocalypse running through his mind.

I was left pondering whether interacting with complete imbeciles like him on a regular basis constitutes the sort of 'stressful life events' which induce schizophrenia. In any event, I've decided to goad any unsuspecting, confused youngster I know (and I know a lot more of them than I can handle) into seriously considering taking up psychiatry as a profession. It's obvious to me we're going to need truckloads of shrinks in the days to come.